I can’t tell if this is nice or sad…but I think it’s both. With an extra sad.
A bipolar-reactch-sammich.
Seeing Jessica Simpson – a former super hottie turned mom turned holy-shiz-good-job-getting-your-bod-back-in-shape – just did a photo shoot with her hubby (or at least with his OMG level body – I think he’s an ex NFL player or something). What I like about it isn’t how they’re two sexy people who appeal to my base desires. They are. And it does. But that’s more of a sad piece of moldy, healthless Wonderbread on this sad-nice-sad sammich. What is the nice savory center about this falafel photo-op is what it means: that she and her hubz are just like me: attention seekers in need of validation (there’s some lettuce for ya) who are easily affected by the shit they watch that comes outta Hollywood (there’s your layered up meat). Because the idea’s that they just had seen “50 Shades Of Grey” before they decided to go home and get steamy in front of a camera that most would hope was on a timer (though I actually like to think it was taken by some poor sweaty assistant with bad hair and saggy jeans while mouth breathing and burping up the late, cold, leftover lunch he just shoved down in the car between driving them to the matinee of a slutty movie and rushing to the dry cleaners to get the outfit that was worn in this shoot. And that it took five hours. And that these were the only three good images to come of it.)
A photo posted by Jessica Simpson (@jessicasimpson) on
That hypothetical’s not the truly sad other starchy layer of this breaded letdown we’re ingesting into our brains today.
What is is how watered down and meaningless the act of intimacy has become. I’m no prude, but the tendency with porn and fantasy is to get trapped in that (‘cause our brains love to compare) once we’re finally getting down with a guy who gets it up for us (I’d add an “or chick” clause to be not-sexist, but then that doesn’t work for my down/up zinger. Unless the Thai “girls” are your thing. #nojudgment). And that kinda sucks. ’cause during sexytime, I have enough trouble not mentally meandering off path and thinking about bills or the gas I forgot to get in my car before this imminent snow squall. Once I get past that, if I’m still off thinking about that ripped tattooed dude I’d rather be with, I don’t stand a chance of knowing what’s really going on. All that kills the reality – which believe it or not can be so much better (don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.) That’s right, homies. Holy Tolle’s “be present” mantra even applies to uggo bumpin’ time. Especially if you’re in love, monogamous, or wedded. These are all things a lot of us have trouble making real because we just end up using it to boost our own egos. Prove something about ourselves. Exhaust ourselves seeking validation with it (and here’s the kicker) at the expense of the person we’re trying to convince the world we love. (Meanwhile they’re falling outta love with us). And if we’re not celebrity Simpsons but simple folk, that can be excessive relache-related status posts or just a barf-worthy number of celfies (couple selfies, I think that is? Yep. I’ve done that one) disseminated into sosh-med world. And if we’re stars experiencing the beginnings of that dying, blurry glow that signifies that imminent end of our career, it could mean dragging our poor unassuming husbands into a photo-shoot pantomiming our private sex lives and using him as a prop that says, “I’m not washed up! I’m still relevant! Look! I’m posing like the young star in the movie!” while he demands his face not be shown.
I legit hope J-Simp finds the kinda happiness and acceptance that lets her start growing into old age gracefully. But in the meantime, I thank her for this saucy insight she’s lent me. Because I’d considered watching the movie – just to review it and do a blog on here. But if this is the kind of soul-sucking effect it’s having on people? Sheeeit. Might’s well just watch porn instead. ‘least it’s shorter.
You might not get a desperate photo op outta it.
But the reviews will probably be about the same.
#NotAbadIdeaActually
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