Ever look at someone and think, “If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were a real asshole?”

Judging books by their covers is fun. The nice thing about doing it with celebrities is that most of the time we don’t know them. At all. What they give us may seem thorough, but it’s still just highly detailed and well crafted artifice. So, I invite you to go back to the drawing board with me, take a gander at their faces, and wonder what they’re really like. How? Well, think of a celeb you enjoy ogling. If the part of their head with a couple of eyes, a nose, and a mouth could bear one hashtag… what would it say, do you think? I’ll get the ball rolling and take requests later in this first edition of “If celebrities faces were hashtags”:

Emma Watson #SORRY

I discussed this with someone a few weeks ago.

And the verdict on this is: Hermione most definitely has this perpetual expression of looking like she’s done something wrong and is just sorry about being alive in general. Can we cast a de-guilt spell for this chick? I feel like she’ll still be as beautiful without shame-face (cue feminist comments about “I’m not here to be pretty for you”)

Either way, I say let’s give it the old Hogwarts try.

Ariana Grande #SORRYNOTSORRY

It took a while to decide if Ariana looks like she’s sorry or more #sorrynotsorry.

And I hafta say, the evidence doesn’t lie. We’ve got the low and slightly widened Mona Lisa smile, the raising of the eyebrows, and those eyebrows curving into a classic “whateva I do what ah want” expresh.

Not only is she not sorry. She’s not even sorry about not being sorry.

Grande’s just Jessica Alba’s lost cousin who has sociopathy and a microphone.

Seth Rogen #POOPINGSELFIE

To think of Seth without thinking of a stoner movie is like trying to get my dog to shit in the rain. Impossible. But, for some reason, it’s still not pot that I think of when I see his face. I think maybe it’s that he looks like he’s always just released a comical dose of ass gas and is waiting for you to smell the punchline. And that’s why I love him. ‘cause for whatever reason, I catch that contagious laugh of his that’s tantamount to a modern MTV Butthead .

Every damned time.

Angelina Jolie – #SHADE

This hashtag nearly lost to #judging.

However, I feel like there’s this subtle difference between silently judging and shade throwing with your eyes. Although I’m still not 100% sure what that difference is, I think it has to do with how bitchy your body language is when you do it. If you’re hunched over with with your gay best friend in the corner of the worst party ever, fanning your whispers with your palms between issuing the elevator eyes at badly dressed people – that’s judging. Shade is when you don’t even need anyone else to issue that unbending stare that says “Remove all the brown M&Ms or I’ll buy your child from you. And eat it.”. You can look down on anyone with it – even if they’re taller. But no one’s taller than Angelina, so this one’s easy for her. Definite shade.

James Franco #WORKFLOW #GETOFFME

This one’s not fair for me to post because I’ve used two hashtags and I’m biased.

‘cause I like Franco. Even though we’re only friends on Instagram and nothing more

(#imdistantlyconnectedtofamouspeople)

So it’s impossible not to add in peripheral info. Homeboy’s between 35 and 40 now, he’s still going to school, has multiple degrees, does art, makes movies, writes books, creates poetry, acts in stage plays, and reads even when he’s sleeping. He’s always in #workflow mode and an effing magician who makes me question that whole “everyone has the same 24 hours in the day” I’ve heard before. And then people rag on him for falling asleep in class or trying to bang a chick who was legal albeit young. As selfie king, his pictures have a kind of subdued version of “Hi haters” going on. But it’s a less overt expresh that says:

“I’m too busy, important, and exhausted to deal with this drama. Get off me.”

Jennifer Lawrence #NOFILTER

And that’s not just because of the interviews she gives but the fckks she doesn’t.

Okay, maybe it’s a bit of both. But there’s still something readable on her face that lets you know she’s not even going to try to impress you with a constructed image of a tall standing, graceful waif on a red carpet. She may dress the part, but mostly she just wants to know where the Kraft table is? And what kind of food does it have on it? And can you bring her some?

Ryan Gosling #NOTLISTENING

I may have made that hashtag up, but I have to share this sentiment:

Gosling, for all his hotness, looks like he wouldn’t listen if you spoke to him.

He doesn’t have to. Not when he’s this pretty.

Like, he’d keep smiling and nodding long after you were done talking. I have no basis for this belief. Especially when he’s the basis for the boyfriend sweater meme. He’s probably just as kind and attentive on the inside as he is a looker on the outside, but I can’t help how I feel. And I feel that Ryan Gosling looks like can’t be bothered to process your bullshit on an auditory level.

That’s all for now…

Send me your celebs and I’ll hashtag what’s really going on behind that Hollywood facade.