Celebrity nudes and sex tapes got boring really fast.

I mean, first there’s the fact that I don’t really wanna see your wobbly bits unless you’re sending them to me as a visual gift (which I wholeheartedly accept and thank you in advance). There’s this kinda grade A loser status that goes with whoever goes out of their way to look up an image an actress thought was safely secured into her phone’s media vault that doesn’t exist. (There is no Fort Knoxx in iphone land). Lucky for most of us, we’re obscure peons living in the opaque darkness that borders the celebrity spotlight. So no one would care if our areolas made it to the image section of Google. So we feed on that of others. Until it gets boring and old because they do stuff all the time like oiling up their asses and breaking the net with it. We see them more with few clothes on than not. It’s tired now. So we long for the days of retro sexy. When a thrill was a thrill because it was hidden under Victorian frills.

That was hot.

Like this Marilyn Monroe love letter I happened across recently. Written by Arthur Miller (the playwright she was married to for a time) to M.M., it’s got more than your run of the mill, pixelated, ScarJo nudie. It’s got details. In a way, it’s far more voyeuristic than any picture could ever be because it’s the written thoughts of a man who was married to the biggest sex icon that ever there was. Reading over it feels almost like when you stumble across your dad’s letters he wrote from Vietnam to your mom (which I haven’t yet. #onlyamatteroftime). It’s mortifyingly delicious to the point where you just want more and more.

Here’s an excerpt People published:

In a racy, never-before-seen letter he mailed to her on April 30, 1956, he writes that when they are back together again and she awakens next to him, “I will kiss you and hold you close to me and sensational things will then happen. All sorts of slides, rollings, pitchings, rambunctiousness of every kind. And then I will sigh. And when you rest your head on my shoulder, then slowly I will get HUNGRY.” He goes on to say, “I will come again to the kitchen, pretending you are not there and discover you again. And as you stand there cooking breakfast, I will kiss your neck and your back and the sweet cantaloupes of your rump and the backs of your knees and turn you about and kiss your breasts and the eggs will burn.”

Such facepalm.

“And the eggs will burn”…?! I still laugh audibly re-reading that.

I like to think she did too – especially after they split.

Homie was a writer, so he just couldn’t help painting in those descriptive dramatic details. But it made me wonder about him as a love. He did write about Marilyn (much to her chagrin), so was he the type to try and construct reality as he went along, thereby killing the passion of his kitchen and lakeside rendezvouses alike with his overplanning and lack of spontaneity? So he could use it later in his work? I’m guessing yes. Which is probz one of many reasons their marriage failed – along with her addiction, miscellaneous issues, and the long distance phone-and-letter relache I’ve known all too well doesn’t work.


(How come when Marilyn’s stoned on pills and booze it’s called “bedroom eyes”?
But we do it, we’re called to prison?)

Maybe that seemingly irrelevant question I just asked speaks volumes about erecting celebrities and their erect nipples alike upon a pedestal. From their substance abuse to their sweet nothings, they’re just the same as you or I except with better wardrobes, makeup artists, and camera posing skills. Whoever we are and whatever era we’re in, we all have flesh and flaws, what-was-I-thinking-relationships, and zero privacy when we send humiliatingly stupid sexts – whether by smoke signal, morse code, or iphone.

Afterthought: I’m told Miller was kindofan asshole. So I wonder if “the eggs will burn” was actually a cruel metaphor for Monroe not being able to have kids? And if it makes me an asshole if I like that better than it being an insipid detail in a god-awful daydream I don’t want to imagine him as the lead character in?