So, a friend posted this today:

Yeah.

These are all great.

Mostly because they all look the same to me.

I take that back – that one called the “waterfall” kinda stands out. It reminds me a little bit of when my dog comes home from the vet for her check up and they give her that nifty looking doo rag wrap around her neck. And then when I look in the backseat two minutes into our drive home, she’s already got it off and is eating it.

This scarf video illicits the same feeling I get in those moments gazing back at my dog eating her own neckerchief – “What greater purpose does this thing really serve?”. (The necktie – not my, ya know, dog. Usually.) If she can clearly make more than one use out of a scarf by turning into a fabric brand of chewing gum, why can’t the rest of us?

After a serious brainstorm today, I’m proud to say: help is on the way where warm ‘n fuzzy meets function meets fashion. Since I’m too lazy to model the examples myself, I’ve recruited my good friend, Scarf-lett Johansson, who I breathed life into this morning via #2 lead wizardry to do the job.

Enjoy seeing her get dolled up by the MSpaint wardrobe staff.

THE TITTY RIBBON:

One of the biggest lessons I learned in art class (and then when slathering make up on my face for the first time like Billy Madison’s Miss Lippy did glue) was that of: contrast. Lighter things seem larger against a dark backdrop. So, if you were genetically skipped over at the organ lactating factory upon your arrival here on earth, you can make the most of winter with the illusion of giant jugs. Over a black turtleneck, a white scarf makes a pretty titty ribbon just like the one you’re putting on the package that has that waffle iron inside from your ex which you 100% intend to re-gift to your dad with 0% guilt.

Or you can just skip the turtleneck part.

Because eff da police.

THE IF I CAN’T SEE YOU, YOU CAN’T SEE ME

It’s always inconvenient when you’re just sat in Starbucks trying to accomplish your daily task of looking busy and like you’re getting work done on your iPad, when suddenly a client or colleague you don’t wanna see walks in. Or worse – a colleague with your client she’s stolen from you. Which your boss wouldn’t do anything about. Because her motto is, “all is fair in love and being an in-call escort. You’ll just have to do better, honey. And by better I mean anal.”

Point is, you really don’t want to see either of them. Because your little ego is crushed. No matter! Just wrap one long strip of silk or wool around your eyes, and the whole world disappears. You can’t see them, so they can’t see you. That’s the rule. (protip: technically this would also work with your supersized Chanel sunnies. But we all know that wearing sunglasses inside is kind of passé, while the IICSYYCSM is so hot right now.)

THE S.A.D. NOOSE

Sure. you have a scarf to get through the cold of winter. But what about all the depression that comes with 5 O’clock sunsets? Your solution to the cold can also be your solution to lonely holidays, ambient sub zero torture, and short days – by shortening all of your days collectively.

Your freedom from all this lies in the free end of the scarf – being tied to the ceiling!

Easy as die pie!

(BONUS: the nice thing about S.A.D. noose knot, is it can be a precursor to a few other items on this list too.)

NECKCERSIZE!

Are you somebody with horrible posture?

You’re probably somebody with horrible posture.

If this realization about yourself isn’t quite at the level where you’d like to hang from the ceiling and die just yet (but kind of), go ahead and start with the noose-maneuver and instead of tying the free into the ceiling, fix it to a doorway or the like use it as a resistance band to perform cervical retractions. Before you know it your posterior neck muscles will be nice and strong and you’ll have amazing posture.

Which you can then again go and ruin anew by sitting in traffic and at a desk all day.

THE RAPUNZEL

Why waste money on a weave when you’ve got a colorful neck warmer that doubles as long flowing locks?

That’s all.

Next!

THE MINOGUE MANEUVER (can’t get you off of my head)

As catchy as Kylie’s “I can’t get you outta my head” song fittingly-for-its-title was, what always really stuck with me was how her head was so much colder than her boobs. Which I really wanted to see. As a result of my cavewoman like desire to see forbidden body parts, this image of her has remained with me for years and years. Wouldn’t you like it if other people had a place reserved in their brains, strictly for their desire of you too? By almost showing your boobs?

Similar to the titty ribbon, but far my daring, I give you the Kylie:

THE FIRE ESCAPE

This one’s fun because it takes that same previous tool for bidding the world adieu – and instead saves you. From a house fire. All you need to do is drop the free end to the ground and let everybody else climb down it first. After that, if you’re not dead yet, tie that free end to the window sill, and simply jump out.

What do you mean? Of course it’s safe.

And, like, if it’s not, then…

Well at least you don’t have to worry about keeping your neck warm anymore.

THE ISIS
I like this one not just because it helps you survive blizzard conditions – but it also helps see you survive the blizzard of annoying holiday traditions you never wanted to be part of. Indeed, with one simple maneuver, you’re able to anonymously deliver good old fashion threats to deter in-name-only friends and relatives from reinforcing your hatred of them:

“ATTENTION INFIDELS! THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR SUSAN AND GEORGE: *cue sound of sharpening knife in background* IF YOU DON’T STOP SENDING OUT THOSE ANNUAL NOVEL LONG GREETING CARDS WITH PICTURES FROM OLAN MILLS AND UPDATES ON EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE THIS YEAR DOWN TO THE QUALITY OF YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS, THERE WILL BE CONSQUENCES. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. THE NEXT TIME I RECEIVE ONE, I WILL INFORM LITTLE LUCAS ABOUT HOW YOU REALLY UNPLUG HIS CONTROLLER WHEN DADDY LETS HIM “PLAY” X-BOX WITH HIM. THERE WILL BE TEARS. THIS I PROMISE”

Well. That’s all for now!

Have fun keeping functionally cozy!

Happy holidays!