Val Kilmer is at a strange crossroads between “washed up Hollywood celebrity”, “former A-list male actor who can’t get any parts”, “wildly disconnected Hollywood airhead” and “lost his looks former heartthrob”. He’s like a combination of that woman with three boobs from Total Recall, Robert DeNiro, Alicia Silverstone, and John Travolta.

will act for food

But at least he managed to find a way to fix the looks problem, losing what appears to be around 175 pounds since a few years ago when most people assumed he ate Kevin Costner.

my god

The problem is that he still has the washed-up actor vibe: the Bruce Jenner ponytail, the ill-fitting dad-clothing, and the look on his face like he just had a weekend rendezvous with a succubus.

What’s the problem here? Where’s his agent?

If you’re trying to get the man parts, you strap him into some workout clothes and show him drinking a reusable bottle of water and hiking Runyon with a smile on his face and a light tan.

Not slinking out of a four-door Porsche with a bottle of Propel and a plastic bag looking like a homeless man’s ex-lover.