I think every girl’s stood in front of a mirror, dreaming of body tweaks.

After Kim Novak was issued a permanent Mickey Rourke mask (poor dear lamb) from her quack of a doctor, I wasn’t sure if I could be surprised again by another celebrity transmogrification. But I stood corrected when I saw Renee Zellweger’s new face gracing my Facebook. That’s not meant to be cruel, mind you. And at first, people didn’t seem to be horrified – just shocked. The general reaction was more like seeing Zooey Deschanel remove her bangs and eyeliner.

If, ya know, Zoeey’d been born with bangs and makeup already applied.

As part of her natural face.


(Arguably more extreme).

I don’t have an opinion that matters on this (does anyone? But RenZell?) But it does remind me of a convo I’ve had with my mom a million times before when I talk about wanting a nose job. Every damn time she reminds me of how it worked out for Jennifer Gray (ya know – “Dirty Dancing” chick?) when she chopped off her proboscis. Sure, she might’ve become more “cookie cutter” pretty, but icon-wise, the transformation was more like turning from Cinderella’s carriage back into a pumpkin. My comeback was two-fold though: 1. Ashlee Simpson (best surgery ever – and she’s still relevant). 2. I’m not famous. I’ve got no image to maintain – so I can chop away.

I think the reason people are in hate with major face changes like Renee’s is that brain hiccup we all suffer when something happens that’s seemingly inconsistent about reality – what we think we know about the world. When we fell in love with Renee’s little puckered heart face back in the 90’s, it was an image that built on itself. Everytime I’d see her in a new flick, I’d smile straight away – reminded of her Cruise and Grant flicks that were the entertainment source of a buncha high school sleepovers – and that association and good memory made me happy. Now it’s like, “No! That’s not the joy contorted countenance I agreed to love unconditionally!”

And I’m not alone in having that initial reaction to strange cut-up faces.

She could walk up to me and say, “You had me at hello” in her little throaty high pitch (assuming that’s not been altered too), and I’d think, “Gee this is weird. That Renee Zellweger just walked up to me. In my home.”

But right after that, I’d think “Nah… that’s only cool when Renee does it…” because of how out of context the human delivery medium appears. But, in my Hart, I still think Roxie rocks; I just hafta acclimate. It shouldn’t take long because I half empathize with the bish. Does it change your whole pop culture RomCom iconography when you do something like this? Yeah, a bit. Is that maybe the whole reason she did it? Could be. And should you do it despite the haters if you hate your current sitch?


“You can mug the mug you’re given… Then you can love the mug you’ve got…”

Well, I don’t see why not.

First – it made her happy (hopefully?). That’s all that matters.

Second, I always said Glenn Close and Juliette Lewis should merge into a single entity.

I am not disappointed with the results of my demands.

If it bothers you she did this thing to herself, ask yourself why. Both – why it bothers you and then why she might’ve done it. I can’t speak for the former thing, but the latter is almost definitely because she chose to work in a field that (among other things) judges you on your body. People think they know what they’re getting into when they do that. They think they can separate the public image from who they really are, take the commentary with a grain of salt, and divorce themselves from any butthurt. But then, all the sudden, you feel like a parody of yourself as people are making candy with your face on it to show how effing sour it is.

And before you know it, you’re at Dr. Nip Tuck requesting the Cage/Travolta special.

So let’s not be mean girls about this before something far worse happens.

Like Kate Upton getting a boob reduction.

I’ll hold you all personally responsible if that tragedy happens.