I’ve never understood the point of the raffled-off celebrity meet-and-greet.

Probably because I’ve never seen one that actually included a celebrity worth meeting.

Also because I find the whole idea of it wildly uncomfortable.

What do you do? Snort lines of coke with them? Shop for maxi dresses together at Splendid? Share a root beer float?

I’d be petrified of doing something really, truly embarrassing. Like getting violent diarrhea. Or going on a long string of lupus jokes before they quietly explain their aunt, the only member of their family not to financially exploit them, currently suffers from lupus. Or accidentally telling them to “eat a bag of circumcisions!” because they profess how much they like Coffee Bean over Starbucks.

Also, how do you explain this to others and future generations? “I spent $47,000 to eat a sandwich in the vicinity of Vanessa Hudgens?” Shit, if you sit in front of the Subway by her house long enough, you could do it for free. She seems the type who appreciates a footlong.

This one 39-year-old dude, Charles Z, entered himself into a contest to meet Taylor Swift. He sounds sweet and genuine enough.

But then 4chan and Reddit became his unwanted mercenary force, propelling him to the top of the contest charts as a “creepy 39-year-old” along with a rumor that he wanted to, upon meeting, make a “complete ass of himself by blatantly just sniffing (Swift’s) hair.”

The contest was cancelled and Charles Z is still mystified as to what-the-hell-just-happened, responding:

I’m sure her hair smells like a magician’s assistant’s hat full of pirate treasure, but I never said I wanted to sniff it. But I’m not going to lie, if I get to meet her, I may lean in for a whiff. I’d be crazy not to at this point. The people of the Internet demand it, and who am I to cheat them?

When asked further, Charles responded:

I have no idea why they cancelled it. No one contacted me. All I know is people around the world legitimately voted for me and had my back on this, and I thank them for it. Kiss 108 needs to tell these people what happened. Kiss ran a contest and I won. As far as I can tell, all those (4chan) kids have been amazingly nice to me. All on their own. I don’t have a bad word to say about any of them. Well, one guy Photoshopped my face on Stalin. I love America too much to get behind that.

Godspeed, Charles Z. You’re not a creep in our book. You’re a great American.