Dear god,
Serene and lovingly guardian power above (who’s probably an avuncular looking African American man in a suit) who loves me and keeps a watchful eye for those times of mindlessness when I falter and lose my way. And indeed, I lose my way. Today, I’ve done exactly that. And I can’t rest my weary bones until I’ve gotten this hateful wretched poison purged from within the bowels of my soul in the form of a spiritual mea culpa. A reconciliation. A throwing of my ears and eyes at your feet that they may be purified – because I’ve whored those sensory organs out this evening. I’ve done a horrible thing. In my search to find something happy and uplifting after learning the genie from Aladdin sadly passed away, I made things worse when I regretfully clicked this video by Paris Hilton called “Come Alive”. And ironically, I went away dead.
You know, they say that when you gaze into the abyss, it gazes back at you.
And that’s what happened to me. Suddenly, I could see for miles – but torturously, it was as if those miles delved into a retrospective outline of this abomination’s creation. I imagined its singer on the phone with her assistant/agent/whatever spitballing all of the ideas she had in her head.
No, I mean after that one.
And (bearing in mind this must be read in little girl tone and question inflection ending) it went thusly:
“I want there to be a pony…that’s a unicorn…
And I’m going to wear a princess halloween costume that’s like a Victoria’s Secret angel…
…and then, like… we’ll go to the moon…
…except the moon will be sitting on the moon…
…and there’ll be flashing lights… and a field with rainbows…
…and I’ll have my legion of dwarves build that swing Katy Perry used that one time…
… and then I’ll put on a wig that looks like my best friend’s hair…
…just, like, to remind her anything she can do I look better doing.
Obviously.”
Yes, Saint Krisha Buddha Christ Mohammad.
That was just the tip of the iceberg. But I can’t relive it any further. Don’t make me. Just know, this definitely isn’t what I’m thinking now. Nay, my most serene and loving god. My thought train was fine and pure until it derailed into derision against its own catalyst, ripping up the tracks from underneath with this track. I pray for your forgiveness and that I might return back to my sweet non-judgmental self that doesn’t indulge such unconscious drivel so I can better relate to these people who are just like me except with more money. For instance, we can start with the fact that we both like earth!
And she gets that global warming is a thing!
See? I’m trying. We’ll get through this slip up together. I just know it.
Love,
AshleyPants
P.S. I also watched Hillary Duff’s extended EOS lipbalm commercial and need to know: when did she get cheekbone implants? And why do you let girls do this? Is it to laugh when it just ends up making them look like a Cruella Deville marionette?
Because that’s not very spiritual of you…
P.P.S. I wish I’d just watched Hook.
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